Ego Mania

Is it normal to be terrified that my child doesn't love me? Her latest thing is to turn her face away when I'm talking and cooing to her, as though she wants me to go away. But when our sitter made funny faces and talked to her this morning and she didn't turn her face away, I was devastated. Does this mean it's time to join a first-time mom support group?

I wasn't expecting this, but having a child feeds into all my existing fears and ego issues. I worry she doesn't like me enough; I hate myself for being a bad parent at times; I feel intensely insecure about my status with her; I compare myself to her daddy as a parent and feel competitive about being the better parent and having all the right answers; I feel resentful and tired. Sometimes I wonder who the real child is!

Today I felt like crying all day, for no reason. It feels like PMS but it's not really the same thing. 18 weeks after the delivery, I am still feeling unexpected effects of the experience. I wonder if it counts as PSD. I also have occasional bouts of anger, like last night, which I take out on my hubby. The poor guy can do no right. When he's not being an involved enough dad, I lash out; when he's too involved, I lash out. What is wrong with me??

The Power of the Hormones

I want to comment on the absolute power hormones hold over us and how much they drive our basic instincts and emotions. For example, before having a baby I never felt a big draw toward babies. The characteristic "baby face" that infants have didn't do much for me. Now, after having one, I find myself powerfully moved by the presence of any infant and inexplicably draw to babies. All it takes, literally, is a picture of an infant in a magazine and I'm mesmerized. There's something about that baby face that reduces me to a loving, quivering mess.

What's more, I'm noticing that pictures of real-life infants that are of about the same age as my daughter, just shy of 4 months, have the most effect on me. I'm utterly fascinated by them. Oh, and then there's the crying. When I see the Christian Childrens' Fund ads on TV now, I cry when I see all those little kids starving. Not that I was cold-hearted before. It's just that now I feel fiercely protective of my own child and all children. It's gotta be the hormones!

A Breastpumping Nightmare

Warning: This entry contains references to boobs, breastmilk and breastpump accessories!

I had to attend a burial last Friday (on Halloween, of all days). The burial was at 2 p.m., I needed to get in some reasonable time at work beforehand and then drive two hours to get there, so I was in the usual pickle: how to find that extra 40 minutes to pump.

As some of you may know, pumping milk at work is a decided pain in the ass. You sit there for 20 to 30 minutes hooked up to this annoyingly complicated machine, watching nebishy little squirts come out and praying it won't take too much longer because someone either knocks on the door or you need to run to a meeting. I find that while I have the one boob hooked up, the other one starts to leak, so I end up with milk dripping all over the place and I've usually forgotten to bring in paper towels or a diaper cloth. It's all very obnoxious (but worth it, of course! it's all about the little munchkin's health).

So anyways, to make a long story short, there I inevitable found myself, desperately negotiating early afternoon traffic while hunched over with no seatbelt, PUMPING WHILE DRIVING. It was the most humiliating and dangerous thing I've done in a while. I won't go into the sordid details, but that experience will stay with me for a long time. I've vowed never, ever to do that again. I vividly recall trying to stay hunched over so the milk could flow downward into the bottle without backfilling and spilling all over me, all the while praying a cop wouldn't stop me for not wearing a seatbelt. I had the pump and battery pack set up on the seat next to me, which happens to have a hard plastic back made for laptops, but I think I can safely assume they did not make this handy feature with breastpumps in mind. The pump kept sliding all over the plastic surface. And on top of all this, I had my Mapquest directions lying out and was trying to follow those - which, I should add, included 10 miles on dirt roads.

Now I know for a fact that motherhood = multitasking!

Welcome to the Club

I've never felt like I had much to say before, but now that I'm a mom, I feel like I've got all sorts of advice, adventures and emotional moments to report. It's just like my co-worker Bob described. "The minute you walk through the door with your new baby, the world is different. The house is a different house. You are a different person. Everything is different."

Let me backtrack a bit here and explain myself. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in July. Since then, everything has changed and we've already had quite a few adventures, even in the short span of three months. I've never been one to blog. In fact, I always poo-poo'd bloggers for being self-centered and narcissistic. But I'm jumping in feet first because I want to tell you all about my life now. It's just so much fun! And I sincerely apologize for having ever made assumptions about bloggers and their motivation for blogging.

So here is my official welcome message to myself as a first-time mommy and blogger. Welcome to the club!